My family opened christmas presents without me this year because I overslept. I'm just thankful that that happened at the end of 2009 and not the beginning of 2010, because 2010 will be a better year. A better decade, hopefully. I may have made my entire family feel pretty bad about it, but I still think they should feel bad. This is MY christmas, and well they basically had it without me. I'm pretty sure that's over there in a the "i don't feel very loved" category. It's one of the downfalls of being from a family as large as mine, i suppose. Regardless, it's pretty shitty. I shouldn't even tell you about it, cuz 3 years from now I hope to forget about this specific Christmas morning, but I think it did long term damage.
David did the best this Christmas. He got me a camera and a season of Gilmore Girls. It's complete proof that he really knows me.
I never did get a Christmas tree. Maybe a bahabugged myself. It just didn't end up fitting into the schedule early enough to seem justified. But, never again will that happen. I will ALWAYS have a tree from now on.
Christmas money will go to:
David did the best this Christmas. He got me a camera and a season of Gilmore Girls. It's complete proof that he really knows me.
I never did get a Christmas tree. Maybe a bahabugged myself. It just didn't end up fitting into the schedule early enough to seem justified. But, never again will that happen. I will ALWAYS have a tree from now on.
Christmas money will go to:
- an iphone
- paige jeans
- riding boots/flat boots
- bed spread
- bedroom rug
- big floor mirror for my room
a few things happened this week that made me feel like a whole person again. i had been feelings like i was pushing through each day without a purpose, no light at the end of the tunnel, nothing to look forward to except routine. but i remembered a few things this week, a few things that had seemed to slip my mind and its exactly what made me feel so lost.
1) I need people to need me. It's what I live for really and its what makes me happy. The extra effort that I put into people that I care about is part of who I am. When people expect things of me and for me to be placed and I feel it is more than a burden I have the wrong perspective. My perspective should be that I am honored to have the opportunity and the love in my life of friendship. And I should continue to be grateful for the points of view that each person brings to my life. That is why I seemingly stretch myself thin for others, because I need them as much as they need me. I forgot that, it's nice to remember.
2) It is important to listen to the struggles your friends deal with. When you listen to them they are much more likely to listen to you. Having someone listen is like taking the weight off your shoulders and splitting it in half. If you are able to talk through something you are about to pinpoint the problem and then solve it. And well, talking to yourself just doesn't really have the same effect.
3) Friendships take time to grow. They, like most things, need love to grow healthy. And the thing I cherish more in my friendships is when people understand my perspective and can relate to me and vice versa.
4) Sometimes "I miss you" means more than "I love you."
5) When your body has had enough it will tell you. My body has had enough driving over the Causeway, which is probably why I threw up on myself this afternoon while driving home. I spent the rest of the day nursing myself back to health. My body needed a break, so it decided to make me contagious.
6) I will probably still call my mom when I'm 30 when i don't feel good.
7) When you love someone you need to tell them, if you don't you risk that love fading (instead of growing).
...just to name a few.
I feel better. I owe everyone in my life for helping me get back to a good place. It feels good to be back.
1) I need people to need me. It's what I live for really and its what makes me happy. The extra effort that I put into people that I care about is part of who I am. When people expect things of me and for me to be placed and I feel it is more than a burden I have the wrong perspective. My perspective should be that I am honored to have the opportunity and the love in my life of friendship. And I should continue to be grateful for the points of view that each person brings to my life. That is why I seemingly stretch myself thin for others, because I need them as much as they need me. I forgot that, it's nice to remember.
2) It is important to listen to the struggles your friends deal with. When you listen to them they are much more likely to listen to you. Having someone listen is like taking the weight off your shoulders and splitting it in half. If you are able to talk through something you are about to pinpoint the problem and then solve it. And well, talking to yourself just doesn't really have the same effect.
3) Friendships take time to grow. They, like most things, need love to grow healthy. And the thing I cherish more in my friendships is when people understand my perspective and can relate to me and vice versa.
4) Sometimes "I miss you" means more than "I love you."
5) When your body has had enough it will tell you. My body has had enough driving over the Causeway, which is probably why I threw up on myself this afternoon while driving home. I spent the rest of the day nursing myself back to health. My body needed a break, so it decided to make me contagious.
6) I will probably still call my mom when I'm 30 when i don't feel good.
7) When you love someone you need to tell them, if you don't you risk that love fading (instead of growing).
...just to name a few.
I feel better. I owe everyone in my life for helping me get back to a good place. It feels good to be back.
This has quit possibly been the worse hair year of my life.
I played "Typing for Dummies" yesterday. I chose, "The Steps to Success" or some cheesy title like that and then proceeded to type. And Typing for Dummies proceeded to moke me and remind me why I sucked as an individual. It called me lazy, indirectly of course. Ya know the subtle third party way people address a problem YOU have by applying it to the general population. It told me I had poor time management skills in the same obnoxious fashion. But still, I feel like I've been hit by a bus at the end of my work day and don't know where I'll find the energy to do the Christmas shopping that I must do tonight, in order to rush to Girl Christmas tomorrow right after work. There is this pile of things that I need to do everyday, week, month...and it feels hard. It feels like I never stop. But, you know this because I always complain of this. It's just been weighing on me. I feel like everyone gets half of what they deserve of me. Like, I'm only half of myself which is no where near my best self. In fact, I might even say I'm not even sure how to pretend to be my best self anymore. Sad, sad but true. Stupid Typing for Dummies. Good news is I'm still typing 70+ wpm.
I need a camera. But I don't think I'm getting it for Christmas. I also need the internet at my house. I would update YOU A LOT more if I had internet.
We'll discuss more later! I have a lot to say about myself. About what I've been thinking about. About why I feel like this. Once I get it all on paper I will be able to fix it. It needs to be sorted out.
It all comes down to my priorities not being in order. But, honestly I don't even know what order they are suppose to be in.
I played "Typing for Dummies" yesterday. I chose, "The Steps to Success" or some cheesy title like that and then proceeded to type. And Typing for Dummies proceeded to moke me and remind me why I sucked as an individual. It called me lazy, indirectly of course. Ya know the subtle third party way people address a problem YOU have by applying it to the general population. It told me I had poor time management skills in the same obnoxious fashion. But still, I feel like I've been hit by a bus at the end of my work day and don't know where I'll find the energy to do the Christmas shopping that I must do tonight, in order to rush to Girl Christmas tomorrow right after work. There is this pile of things that I need to do everyday, week, month...and it feels hard. It feels like I never stop. But, you know this because I always complain of this. It's just been weighing on me. I feel like everyone gets half of what they deserve of me. Like, I'm only half of myself which is no where near my best self. In fact, I might even say I'm not even sure how to pretend to be my best self anymore. Sad, sad but true. Stupid Typing for Dummies. Good news is I'm still typing 70+ wpm.
I need a camera. But I don't think I'm getting it for Christmas. I also need the internet at my house. I would update YOU A LOT more if I had internet.
We'll discuss more later! I have a lot to say about myself. About what I've been thinking about. About why I feel like this. Once I get it all on paper I will be able to fix it. It needs to be sorted out.
It all comes down to my priorities not being in order. But, honestly I don't even know what order they are suppose to be in.
I'm lost.
"I don't paint anymore, I use to paint. And I really liked it....I think I will." - Allie Hamilton
Basically I have a long way to go from where I am at to be satisfied with myself.
A looooonnnnnnnngggggggggg way.
"I don't paint anymore, I use to paint. And I really liked it....I think I will." - Allie Hamilton
Basically I have a long way to go from where I am at to be satisfied with myself.
A looooonnnnnnnngggggggggg way.
