I want a big digital camera with interchangeable lenses, then I want Formula One editing tools, and then I want enough free time to get stupid good at photography. And graphic design. Really, I want time & enough money to do the things I want. Nonetheless, the next time in my life when that seems feasible is sometime after retirement. And that depresses me.

I had a sad realization recently, it seems no matter how stressed or over-whelmed I feel now it may always just get increasingly more overwhelming. The only things that eases my mind is that hopefully, one day, I will be better at managing and dealing with it. On top of all of that, today I feel like I have nothing to look forward to except everyday's tomorrow. All because, I have no free time to do the things I want to do and the no money to even try to halfass it.

So what's the secret to life? Adderall?

My brother and I are fighting over the air conditioner again. I love summertime, but I don't like to sweat in my house. Especially not while I'm sleeping.

Two weekends from now David is out of town and I have a whole weekend to myself, to do whatever I want to do. I simply cannot wait. I love David, I really do, but he doesn't love the things I love and I love him too much to make him endure them. Though it does save me lots of money, it is sometimes very counterproductive to my life.

Somewhere I wrote down "By June 1, I will be 125 pounds." Well, that's 6 days away and that seems to be a very unrealistic goal.

I'm about to read a self-help type book, "Switch - how to change when change isn't easy." I think it will be enlightening. I'll keep you posted on my findings. And by read, I mean listen to the audio book; b/c I can't find time for reading.

The lake was wonderful. I could live on the water and be happy forever, no doubt. We took an obnoxious amount of pictures and video that I will be happy to share with you as soon as they make their way to my computer.

I actually really like my brother's girlfriend, Karen. We get along wonderfully and she is crazy with the camera {I love it}. There are many pictures with strange story lines and silly undertones and it was a blast to go on vacation with her. I hope we can sneak away again soon for another trip. Nonetheless, my brother's grueling schedule left little relaxation and the backside of my legs are still in need of sunlight.

So, back to the real world tomorrow. Office life and schedules.

Goal for this week:
- Work out {at least} 30 minutes for five days.
- find & make my office more beautiful.

Thanks to @Sidda I have taken to writing this entry, though it is undoubtedly keeping me from doing more productive things, like working. My To Do List is retarded and I can’t even seem to put a dint in it. Try as I might this week, I doubt the little nicks I make at progress will still leave me overwhelmed on Monday when I come in from my little 4-day vaca. The beauty of these little blogs is that I can mostly pretend like I am working for now though.

Our receptionist is out today, which has left me on the phones for the much better end of the afternoon. The beeping noise of the switchboard makes me want to scream. And the girl who holds a lateral position to me is acting as if the reception desk is below her. I, too, have resentment geared toward this desk, however do not huff at me over the phone when I tell you that we will be splitting them equally. The random shit that people feel the need to share with me never ceases to amaze me, and that is accelerated by about 10x when my face is gracing the reception lobby. This afternoon I have my idon’tgiveadamn face on; it seems to be working, for the most part. Productivity on the other hand, isn’t working at all.

This weekend was one of those weekends that didn’t really feel like a weekend at all, short of the fact that I didn’t have to wake up and drive to the office. It was family and friend obligations to the max. Always rushed and always late and the moments I did get to spend with David were spent with him taking care of work and me doing laundry or stressing out about how I never know what the appropriate outfit is for various occasions. An interesting struggle, I have found myself battling over for the past year. I just want to be the girl who always has the right thing to wear, the perfect hair, and the remarkable ability to make small talk with all ages. This weekend I only hit my element once and even then it was daiquiri induced. There may have been a moment when I hit it again at my mom’s Mother’s Day dinner. But, I’ve digressed.

Analogy:

You know that feeling when you are driving in traffic and it’s stop and go and stop and go and stop and then finally you start to go again…and then, as soon as you stop being angry that you were stuck in traffic you see a line of brake lights in front of you, AGAIN. That’s how I feel my life has been lately. Every time I finally start feeling like I get in my groove and am functioning as required I hit another speed bump. Sometimes its work, sometimes its friends, most times its massive creative and motivation blocks. It makes me physically angry and bitter and harsh. These three characteristics I have never been very fond of and I do not wear well, at all.

So, to conclude I must say, “I’m over it”. And that is the understatement of the ongoing year. I’m over everything. I’m over family (/boyfriend’s family) obligations, and people who consistently take from me but never really give back in equal portions, I’m tired of running myself into the ground to keep other people having a good time, and frustrated with all the money that I do not have to spend on the things that I want, but instead find myself spending on other people who don’t appreciate it nearly enough (or better yet, never pay me back for). And I’m tired from forcing smiles and being in the car and being on everyone else’s’ schedule. Something has got to give, or I’m going to break. I may be breaking a little more every day, come to think of it.

Well, this vent session went on about 1,430 characters too many.

{Happy pictures to come}